Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Trigger warning:

In this part I publish texts about my own process of dealing with my complex trauma or complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and other related topics. These are texts that I wrote at the time, and writing these texts was almost always a therapeutic process as well.

It all started in the summer of 2016, when my childhood trauma made it impossible for me to continue "functioning", and the question of whether or not I was sexually abused in my childhood was dominant, an obsession. With this began my search, for the child that was me, to reconnect with the pain and fear of my childhood. It was the beginning of a rather painful process of dealing with complex PTSD. And I am still in the process of figuring out how to deal with the issue of childhood sexual abuse, but I am ever more clear that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

The confinement during the health crisis caused by COVID-19 in the spring of 2020 caused a prolonged flashback, and I especially flashed back to my adolescence, to the feeling of impotence, of not being able to escape from a painful situation. But I also flashed back to other aspects of my early childhood: texts like Falling? or The House of My Fears are results of this process. Thankfully, this prompted me to get more to the ground of my complex trauma, and allowed me to make huge steps towards recovery.

I now understand my trauma as a complex trauma, and putting a name to it helps me to understand what is actually going on. I am now on a long journey of recovery.

The process is not over, and I keep adding new texts when I feel like it.

Reevaluating my gender identity since early childhood

Genderqueer participants disclose a poignant theme of not having the language to express their experience of gender until late into adolescence or early adulthood. This experience is also repeatedly described as a feeling of something being 'wrong.'

Liam P. Malone: Gender identity and childhood experiences: an introductory quantitative study of the relationship between gender identity and adverse childhood experiences

My inner child and their gender identity

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that there is an issue (or trauma?) regarding the gender identity or expression of my inner child. Five days ago I wrote:

My inner child and me (VI)

Because of my experience on the 8th March and the re-traumatisation, I had little strength to connect with my inner child on the night of the 8th March, and also on the morning of the 9th March. I was quite miserable and disturbed all day on the 9th of March, with frequent intrusive thoughts.

8M and care (or lack thereof)

I took part in some activities for 8th March in Sevilla with friends and our collective Disidencias del Sur and our banner "We too are feminism: trans, queers, nonbinaries". I started with lunch in the Alameda de Hércules. There was a good atmosphere when I arrived, with music and people dancing.

My inner child and me (V)

I continue with my visualisations or meetings with my inner child on a daily basis. It is important to me to maintain regular contact, so that they don't feel abandoned again.

My inner child and me (IV)

Since I have reconnected with my inner child, I try to connect with them once or twice a day, usually at night already in bed, and in the morning still in bed, before getting up. I see it as an exercise to get to know each other better, to deepen trust, and to heal my inner child. It is a kind of visualisation of my inner child, although perhaps not as structured as for example this visualisation (in Spanish).

My inner child and me (III) – getting closer

I’ve been lied to and abused. Time to try to heal
Cut me loose, cut me loose
Let me get hurt. Let me feel.
Cut my bound hands free and point me toward the real

(...)

Now ever since I was a little child I have felt this same old fear
That I alone will freeze while the world proceeds, I’ll be forever stuck right here
But I can’t live the old way, that way nearly left me dead

My inner child and me (II)

Yesterday I wrote about my process with my inner child, and this process continues. Unfortunately, it is a very painful process, with a lot of fear and a lot of pain, and I can't do it without crying. Yesterday, before going to bed, I had to stop the meditation, as very painful images of my inner child came to me - new images, related to the topic of sexual abuse - which I prefer not to mention here yet, as it is not at all clear to me what relation to reality these images have.

My inner child and me

Writing about my inner child, whom I only found a little more than a week ago, is not easy. Just looking at my inner child, sitting on the floor in a corner, knees as close to the body as possible, arms covering their heads and covering their ears and eyes, makes me ache, my stomach tightens, I feel all the fear and pain of my little inner child, and I often have to cry, as I do now.

Where is there room for so much pain and so much fear in such a little child? Where do this pain and fear come from?

THEY WANT YOU DEAD!

They want you dead
In their shitty world
Where it only matters to produce and consume
Where your emotions and illusions they have no space for
They want you dead

They want you dead
Because you don't produce, because you don't consume
Because you do care about your emotions
Because you want to tend to your trauma, to the wounds you carry from their shit
They want you dead

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