Sexual abuse

Trigger warning

This sections includes posts about sexual abuse, especially childhood sexually abuse. Please be careful when reading posts in this section, especially if you are a surviver of abuse yourself.
Take care!

My inner child and me (III) – getting closer

I’ve been lied to and abused. Time to try to heal
Cut me loose, cut me loose
Let me get hurt. Let me feel.
Cut my bound hands free and point me toward the real

(...)

Now ever since I was a little child I have felt this same old fear
That I alone will freeze while the world proceeds, I’ll be forever stuck right here
But I can’t live the old way, that way nearly left me dead

My inner child and me (II)

Yesterday I wrote about my process with my inner child, and this process continues. Unfortunately, it is a very painful process, with a lot of fear and a lot of pain, and I can't do it without crying. Yesterday, before going to bed, I had to stop the meditation, as very painful images of my inner child came to me - new images, related to the topic of sexual abuse - which I prefer not to mention here yet, as it is not at all clear to me what relation to reality these images have.

My inner child and me

Writing about my inner child, whom I only found a little more than a week ago, is not easy. Just looking at my inner child, sitting on the floor in a corner, knees as close to the body as possible, arms covering their heads and covering their ears and eyes, makes me ache, my stomach tightens, I feel all the fear and pain of my little inner child, and I often have to cry, as I do now.

Where is there room for so much pain and so much fear in such a little child? Where do this pain and fear come from?

THEY WANT YOU DEAD!

They want you dead
In their shitty world
Where it only matters to produce and consume
Where your emotions and illusions they have no space for
They want you dead

They want you dead
Because you don't produce, because you don't consume
Because you do care about your emotions
Because you want to tend to your trauma, to the wounds you carry from their shit
They want you dead

Complex trauma - self-care as a political warfare

What makes a girl start a fire in the hall
Leave a lipstick scrawl on the bathroom mirror?

(…)

What makes a man take a hammer in his hand
Shatter every last window of the company store
At 3 AM with the furies back again?
Now it's him against them in a personal war

Ezra Furman: Trauma (lyrics, video)

Complex PTSD - for the mutual insurance company it is cheaper for you to commit suicide

Today I had an appointment with the doctor of the mutual insurance company. The mutual insurance company is the institution that pays for my sick leave, as I am self-employed, and therefore has a supervisory function. That is to say, by default, they are based on distrust. As I have been on sick leave for "disruptive mood dysregulation disorder" (in reality for depression and complex PTSD, i.e. complex post-traumatic stress disorder) since 10 November, the insurance company no longer wants to pay for my sick leave.

Found - the child that was I

At last! At last, I think, I have found the child that was me, hiding and protecting themselves. I see them sitting on the ground in a corner, their knees as close to their body as possible, arms covering their head and covering their ears and eyes. But I see them.

5½ years ago I wrote this, at first just for myself, but then I posted it on my blog:

EMDR – blockages, blockages, and more blockages

In my last post I already mentioned the first attempt of an EMDR session in my last therapy session. Was it a failure? I don't know, it depends a bit on what failure means. It's true that we didn't manage to work with EMDR, and that I was again terrible, with many difficult emotions, with frustration, fear, anger at myself, shame, as I already wrote on Wednesday.

Complex trauma and depression: fighting back - and when not to stay with my emotions

Since my last blog post on sexual abuse and emotions I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. At the same time I notice a change: I have made a decision to fight back! In fact, I made this decision the day before I wrote my last blog post. On this day I made several decisions:

Trauma, sexual abuse and emotions

Note: As this text references mostly English language sources and quotes extensively from English language sources, it has been first written in English and then translated into other languages, such as Spanish and – maybe – German.

 

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