Complex trauma - self-care as a political warfare

What makes a girl start a fire in the hall
Leave a lipstick scrawl on the bathroom mirror?


What makes a man take a hammer in his hand
Shatter every last window of the company store
At 3 AM with the furies back again?
Now it's him against them in a personal war

Ezra Furman: Trauma (lyrics, video)

Complex PTSD - for the mutual insurance company it is cheaper for you to commit suicide

Today I had an appointment with the doctor of the mutual insurance company. The mutual insurance company is the institution that pays for my sick leave, as I am self-employed, and therefore has a supervisory function. That is to say, by default, they are based on distrust. As I have been on sick leave for "disruptive mood dysregulation disorder" (in reality for depression and complex PTSD, i.e. complex post-traumatic stress disorder) since 10 November, the insurance company no longer wants to pay for my sick leave.

Depression and suicidal thoughts

I have had quite a difficult week since last weekend, a week during which my depression has taken centre stage and I have gone further and further downhill, until Thursday, when I hit rock bottom and luckily I had a therapy session with my previous psychologist (my new psychologist who is an expert in trauma and sexual abuse unfortunately tested positive for COVID on Monday - something that caused me to crash brutally straight away. Luckily I quickly got an appointment with my previous psychologist).


Emptinesses. There are many kinds of emptiness. I feel a great emptiness in my life, already since the beginning of the pandemic two years ago. An emptiness of meaning. More than a month ago I wrote about the depression I have been suffering from since the pandemic, and sometimes this depression gets stronger, and I am left without the strength to go on living.

I don't want to take it anymore! (Let's talk about suicide)

Yesterday I started the day with a brutal downturn. Already the day before - on 31 December - I had a very hard emotional flashback in the afternoon, and it took me a long time to get out of this flashback, going out and relapsing several times. And I'm not even sure if I really got out of this flashback that day. At night again I felt very down, I had a lot of fear in my stomach, and I had a hard time sleeping (and I didn't sleep well or much).

COVID – Trauma – Depression

For a month now I have been reconnecting with my traumas - in the plural.

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