Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Trigger warning:

In this part I publish texts about my own process of dealing with my complex trauma or complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and other related topics. These are texts that I wrote at the time, and writing these texts was almost always a therapeutic process as well.

It all started in the summer of 2016, when my childhood trauma made it impossible for me to continue "functioning", and the question of whether or not I was sexually abused in my childhood was dominant, an obsession. With this began my search, for the child that was me, to reconnect with the pain and fear of my childhood. It was the beginning of a rather painful process of dealing with complex PTSD. And I am still in the process of figuring out how to deal with the issue of childhood sexual abuse, but I am ever more clear that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

The confinement during the health crisis caused by COVID-19 in the spring of 2020 caused a prolonged flashback, and I especially flashed back to my adolescence, to the feeling of impotence, of not being able to escape from a painful situation. But I also flashed back to other aspects of my early childhood: texts like Falling? or The House of My Fears are results of this process. Thankfully, this prompted me to get more to the ground of my complex trauma, and allowed me to make huge steps towards recovery.

I now understand my trauma as a complex trauma, and putting a name to it helps me to understand what is actually going on. I am now on a long journey of recovery.

The process is not over, and I keep adding new texts when I feel like it.

My inner child and me

Writing about my inner child, whom I only found a little more than a week ago, is not easy. Just looking at my inner child, sitting on the floor in a corner, knees as close to the body as possible, arms covering their heads and covering their ears and eyes, makes me ache, my stomach tightens, I feel all the fear and pain of my little inner child, and I often have to cry, as I do now.

Where is there room for so much pain and so much fear in such a little child? Where do this pain and fear come from?

THEY WANT YOU DEAD!

They want you dead
In their shitty world
Where it only matters to produce and consume
Where your emotions and illusions they have no space for
They want you dead

They want you dead
Because you don't produce, because you don't consume
Because you do care about your emotions
Because you want to tend to your trauma, to the wounds you carry from their shit
They want you dead

Complex trauma - self-care as a political warfare

What makes a girl start a fire in the hall
Leave a lipstick scrawl on the bathroom mirror?

(…)

What makes a man take a hammer in his hand
Shatter every last window of the company store
At 3 AM with the furies back again?
Now it's him against them in a personal war

Ezra Furman: Trauma (lyrics, video)

Complex PTSD - for the mutual insurance company it is cheaper for you to commit suicide

Today I had an appointment with the doctor of the mutual insurance company. The mutual insurance company is the institution that pays for my sick leave, as I am self-employed, and therefore has a supervisory function. That is to say, by default, they are based on distrust. As I have been on sick leave for "disruptive mood dysregulation disorder" (in reality for depression and complex PTSD, i.e. complex post-traumatic stress disorder) since 10 November, the insurance company no longer wants to pay for my sick leave.

Found - the child that was I

At last! At last, I think, I have found the child that was me, hiding and protecting themselves. I see them sitting on the ground in a corner, their knees as close to their body as possible, arms covering their head and covering their ears and eyes. But I see them.

5½ years ago I wrote this, at first just for myself, but then I posted it on my blog:

EMDR – blockages, blockages, and more blockages

In my last post I already mentioned the first attempt of an EMDR session in my last therapy session. Was it a failure? I don't know, it depends a bit on what failure means. It's true that we didn't manage to work with EMDR, and that I was again terrible, with many difficult emotions, with frustration, fear, anger at myself, shame, as I already wrote on Wednesday.

Complex trauma and depression: fighting back - and when not to stay with my emotions

Since my last blog post on sexual abuse and emotions I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. At the same time I notice a change: I have made a decision to fight back! In fact, I made this decision the day before I wrote my last blog post. On this day I made several decisions:

Trauma, sexual abuse and emotions

Note: As this text references mostly English language sources and quotes extensively from English language sources, it has been first written in English and then translated into other languages, such as Spanish and – maybe – German.

 

Depression and suicidal thoughts

I have had quite a difficult week since last weekend, a week during which my depression has taken centre stage and I have gone further and further downhill, until Thursday, when I hit rock bottom and luckily I had a therapy session with my previous psychologist (my new psychologist who is an expert in trauma and sexual abuse unfortunately tested positive for COVID on Monday - something that caused me to crash brutally straight away. Luckily I quickly got an appointment with my previous psychologist).

Emptiness

Emptinesses. There are many kinds of emptiness. I feel a great emptiness in my life, already since the beginning of the pandemic two years ago. An emptiness of meaning. More than a month ago I wrote about the depression I have been suffering from since the pandemic, and sometimes this depression gets stronger, and I am left without the strength to go on living.

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