Trauma Survivor

Page from my journal from today

Today I wrote in my journal:

Trauma survivor? How does this sound? I have never thought of this term before, it is not used so much in Spanish, it seems, but it makes a lot of sense.

I survived:

  • prolonged emotional abandonment by my parents,

  • arbitrary violence, especially in my early years,

  • psychological violence,

  • permanent intrusions into my intimate space by my mother, completely ignoring my autonomy over my body,

  • and, most likely, abuse at least bordering on the sexual, if not more so.

I have survived all this, which is no minor accomplishment. I have developed my survival strategies in the face of all this. Some of the strategies are no longer useful, but they allowed me to survive during the first 22 years of my life.

Surviving something like this is an achievement. It has not been easy. I have paid a heavy price and I am left with many wounds. But I survived.

I have also healed some wounds in the way possible. I have managed to connect with myself, with my emotions. Now, in general, I don't dissociate anymore. I have learned to trust, to open up, to be vulnerable. I have learned to love. I have learned to cry where and when I feel like it, without feeling shame. I have learned to enjoy physical contact, hugs, above all. I have learned to be intimate.

Sometimes I have shitty times, like now. But I have also learnt to trust myself and to let myself be supported by my friends. I have learned to feel liked/loved.

Trauma survivor. Yes! I have survived my trauma – my traumas!