Small freedoms

Since Saturday we can go out for a walk or for exercise, although still with many limitations. But that's something, and on Saturday I went out in the afternoon (at the allowed time) to take a walk by the river, staying more or less within the allowed kilometer. And yesterday morning I went out by bike, also by the river, but as it is exercise, without the limitation of 1 kilometer (but only within the same municipality). They are a small freedom that help me to feel a little better.

Since my crash on Tuesday I have recovered little by little since Wednesday. Meeting a friend on Wednesday, cooking and eating together, has also helped me a lot in this process. Feeling humane, hugging each other, social contact beyond my flatmates. I feel that since Tuesday the anxiety level has constantly dropped, to bearable levels. Although there is still a lack of energy, of motivation. Many times I think about doing something - writing, working on an article about a queer perspective on climate justice, writing some emails, doing some DIY in my room, reading a book - but many times I don't even start, and if I do, within 15 minutes the energy disappears, and I stop. This happens to me with everything. So I do little every day, little more than listen to music. Although, I really understand it as something necessary, attending to myself, recovering. "Doing nothing" many times is not really doing nothing, it is attending to myself, although I am not thinking all the time consciously about attending to myself either. But this is what my body and my mind are asking me to do.
I'm thinking about traveling to Germany, to face the house of my fears. Unfortunately, it seems at the moment unlikely that I can do this this summer: there is talk of opening the borders of Spain only from October. I am afraid. I am also afraid of the "new normal" after the four phases of the de-escalation of the confinement. I am afraid to think about what this will mean for our social and daily life, but also for political activism, to confront the Shock Doctrine, the climate emergency, ...

But I try not to think about this too much. I'm trying to focus on what I can do now. I try to think about meeting friends (probably legal from 11 May), taking my walks or riding my bike, writing when I can, contributing to the fight for climate justice when I can, but without feeling pressure. I also try to connect with my friends, my network of affection at the local and global level. I try to attend to my emotional needs.
I am very aware of my privileges. Within Spain or Seville (I don't go hungry, for example, I have my material needs met), or at the global level. A friend of mine passed on to me this information about the situation in Colombia, for example, where people are not dying of the virus, but are being killed by the paramilitaries or the "security" forces of the state. Another friend, from India, passed me an article on the situation in this country. Or the situation in Manaus, in Brazil.

But I have also learned that the fact that others have a worse time, suffer more, does not take away my suffering. I am not denying my privileges - I am very aware of my privileges. But I am also very aware of the suffering that confinement has caused me, with old traumas resurfacing. I am better now - better, not good. But it has been a struggle, it has been painful, sometimes very painful. I am very grateful to my friends for the support I have received. I don't know where I would be today without your support. Thank you.