Shadows of my childhood

I can't help it, with the events of the last few weeks the shadows of my childhood have resurfaced. Less than two weeks ago I wrote about falling into the abyss of my childhood, and I think it was the very unpleasant encounter with the police this very day that pushed this abyss aside. But the subject is still present, and in the last few days more. The house of my fears is very much present. Yesterday and today I uploaded to my website two texts that I wrote almost four years ago on this same subject: Have I been a victim of child sexual abuse?, written on 6 August 2016, and Images: Fantasies, experiments of my mind, memories?, written on 1 September 2016 (I also did translations into English). That I return to these texts now shows me that I have not yet made peace with my childhood, that there are still issues to be resolved.

Today I realise that the level of anxiety has started to rise since the afternoon. During the permitted hour I went out for a walk by the river, and during the whole walk the subject stayed in my mind. Not like this obsessive question from four years ago "What happened to me?" I understand that I will never know. However, the subject is there, and so is the fear, especially of my childhood home, the house of my fears.

I understand that I need to make peace with my childhood. I have survived everything, it is the past. It can no longer harm me. However, it still hurts. Very much. There is still fear. A lot. I would like to go to Germany, to Duisburg, my hometown, and face the house of my fears. But I can't now, with the borders closed - possibly until October. In the meantime, the fear remains, the pain remains. The unfinished business in my mind remains, the anxiety. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but it doesn't go away. I cannot simply look into this black hole of my childhood without it causing me fear and pain.

I've already cried a lot, especially four years ago. I don't know if there are any tears left, if I can cry any more. But there is pain. I haven't made peace yet.