Sexual abuse

Trigger warning

This sections includes posts about sexual abuse, especially childhood sexually abuse. Please be careful when reading posts in this section, especially if you are a surviver of abuse yourself.
Take care!

Rage - and killing my mother and father slowly

I don't want to see the world that way anymore
I don't want to feel that weak and insecure
As if you were my fucking pimp
As if I was your fucking whore

Black me out
I want to piss on the walls of your house
I want to chop those brass rings off
Your fat fucking fingers
As if you were a king-maker
As if, as if, as if
Black me out

Against Me!: Black Me Out

 

My inner child and sexual abuse

My "encounters" or "conversations" with my inner child have not yet been able to put an end to my ongoing internal dialogue on the subject of sexual abuse. Have I really assumed a resounding 'yes' to childhood sexual abuse? Almost two months ago I wrote:

8M and care (or lack thereof)

I took part in some activities for 8th March in Sevilla with friends and our collective Disidencias del Sur and our banner "We too are feminism: trans, queers, nonbinaries". I started with lunch in the Alameda de Hércules. There was a good atmosphere when I arrived, with music and people dancing.

My inner child and me (V)

I continue with my visualisations or meetings with my inner child on a daily basis. It is important to me to maintain regular contact, so that they don't feel abandoned again.

My inner child and me (III) – getting closer

I’ve been lied to and abused. Time to try to heal
Cut me loose, cut me loose
Let me get hurt. Let me feel.
Cut my bound hands free and point me toward the real

(...)

Now ever since I was a little child I have felt this same old fear
That I alone will freeze while the world proceeds, I’ll be forever stuck right here
But I can’t live the old way, that way nearly left me dead

My inner child and me (II)

Yesterday I wrote about my process with my inner child, and this process continues. Unfortunately, it is a very painful process, with a lot of fear and a lot of pain, and I can't do it without crying. Yesterday, before going to bed, I had to stop the meditation, as very painful images of my inner child came to me - new images, related to the topic of sexual abuse - which I prefer not to mention here yet, as it is not at all clear to me what relation to reality these images have.

My inner child and me

Writing about my inner child, whom I only found a little more than a week ago, is not easy. Just looking at my inner child, sitting on the floor in a corner, knees as close to the body as possible, arms covering their heads and covering their ears and eyes, makes me ache, my stomach tightens, I feel all the fear and pain of my little inner child, and I often have to cry, as I do now.

Where is there room for so much pain and so much fear in such a little child? Where do this pain and fear come from?

THEY WANT YOU DEAD!

They want you dead
In their shitty world
Where it only matters to produce and consume
Where your emotions and illusions they have no space for
They want you dead

They want you dead
Because you don't produce, because you don't consume
Because you do care about your emotions
Because you want to tend to your trauma, to the wounds you carry from their shit
They want you dead

Complex trauma - self-care as a political warfare

What makes a girl start a fire in the hall
Leave a lipstick scrawl on the bathroom mirror?

(…)

What makes a man take a hammer in his hand
Shatter every last window of the company store
At 3 AM with the furies back again?
Now it's him against them in a personal war

Ezra Furman: Trauma (lyrics, video)

Complex PTSD - for the mutual insurance company it is cheaper for you to commit suicide

Today I had an appointment with the doctor of the mutual insurance company. The mutual insurance company is the institution that pays for my sick leave, as I am self-employed, and therefore has a supervisory function. That is to say, by default, they are based on distrust. As I have been on sick leave for "disruptive mood dysregulation disorder" (in reality for depression and complex PTSD, i.e. complex post-traumatic stress disorder) since 10 November, the insurance company no longer wants to pay for my sick leave.

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