Sexual abuse

Trigger warning

This sections includes posts about sexual abuse, especially childhood sexually abuse. Please be careful when reading posts in this section, especially if you are a surviver of abuse yourself.
Take care!

The first paintings of my inner child

Trigger warning:
This text contains images and descriptions of sexual abuse, violence, thoughts of suicide, among others.

About three weeks ago I told my psychologist that whenever I connect with my inner child I always feel something in my stomach that I am not able to identify. She suggested "why don't you let your child paint?" Easy to say, but at first I found it very difficult. Although I have done a lot of work with my inner child since the end of February, as I wrote a month ago, until then all my work with my inner child had in a way been done in my imagination. Now, how can this child, who exists in my imagination, actually paint in the real world? I understood clearly that it was not about imagining paintings, but about painting for real, through me.

Sexual abuse and healing my inner child

Deviant Daeva writes in an article on complex PTSD and Healing your Inner Child: “Victims of complex trauma have often gone through long-term abuse, neglect and abandonment during childhood. That has left them with an extremely hurt and wounded inner child that has never felt the safety to just be a child, that has never felt the love and care they needed, that has never learnt about boundaries or self-protection.” How true.

Sexual abuse and healing

A little over three weeks ago I wrote about coping (badly) with sexual abuse, and although I felt I was coping badly, at the same time it was the end of my permanent internal dialogue about sexual abuse in my childhood. I wrote:

Sexual abuse - and beginning to heal

A fortnight ago I started to accept the sexual abuse in my childhood as a reality. I wrote a fortnight ago about my difficulties in dealing with this reality - the sexual abuse. And, the reality is that I am still in a lot of pain, and more and more anger, more and more rage. But, my permanent internal dialogue is definitely over.

Rage! (and insomnia)

Rage!
What do I do with my rage at one o'clock at night?
I imagine going to my father's house. I guess he still lives in the house. I really don't know. I don't even know if he's still alive. I hope not. Although I'd like to know so I can celebrate.
Rage!
I imagine going to his house in Germany, I imagine knocking on the door, and when he opens it, pushing him inside, hitting him. Punch him until he's unconscious.
I imagine taking a hammer and smashing the windows of every window in the fucking house.

Coping (badly) with childhood sexual abuse

Sexual abuse? Sexual abuse! Fuck! I feel abused, violated. I feel disgust, fear, pain and anger. I feel... I don't know what. I feel that I inhabit a body used by others - by my father, my brother. I feel their invasion into my body, this body of a seven, eight, nine year old kid, but I also feel my "cooperation", my "participation" in my own abuse. I sucked the cock. An active act. With disgust, yes, with fear, yes, but I sucked it.

PERMANENT INTERNAL DIALOGUE

Images
Shitty images
Me, as a child
Seven years old? Eight? Nine?
Me, as a child
Looking at an erect cock
Looking at it
With fear
And I cry
I cry, cry, cry

Images
Shitty images
Intrusive images
But what do they tell me?
Are they real images? Fantasies?
Are they telling me something from my past, from my childhood?
Sexual abuse?
It is my permanent internal dialogue

Rage - and killing my mother and father slowly

I don't want to see the world that way anymore
I don't want to feel that weak and insecure
As if you were my fucking pimp
As if I was your fucking whore

Black me out
I want to piss on the walls of your house
I want to chop those brass rings off
Your fat fucking fingers
As if you were a king-maker
As if, as if, as if
Black me out

Against Me!: Black Me Out

 

My inner child and sexual abuse

My "encounters" or "conversations" with my inner child have not yet been able to put an end to my ongoing internal dialogue on the subject of sexual abuse. Have I really assumed a resounding 'yes' to childhood sexual abuse? Almost two months ago I wrote:

8M and care (or lack thereof)

I took part in some activities for 8th March in Sevilla with friends and our collective Disidencias del Sur and our banner "We too are feminism: trans, queers, nonbinaries". I started with lunch in the Alameda de Hércules. There was a good atmosphere when I arrived, with music and people dancing.

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