Fear. Anger. Rage

I have to admit that the police drove the fear into my body yesterday. Yesterday, after I came home, my body was tense until the evening. Not even a long, hot bath was able to relax the body. It was tense and my body hurt from the tension. Only at night, after another anxiety attack and crying I don't know how long the body finally relaxed, the tension disappeared.
However, I did not sleep well during the night. I tried to calm down with some quiet music - Jan Garbarek: Rites - but I don't think I found sleep until much later. In the morning I had another anxiety attack, and during the whole morning I had to cry a lot. I almost started crying in the organic shop in my neighbourhood.
I am not able to do anything. I feel a high level of anxiety, and a total lack of energy. I talked to some friends, which has helped me to calm down a bit - but I don't know how long it will last.

At the same time I have a lot of rage, and I can't do anything about this rage. I'm thinking of buying a spray can for some graffiti, so I can express my rage (against the police, against the state). I have a fantasy of always taking a big stone in my bag to throw at a police car. I don't know what to do with this rage.
On the other side there is fear. I've cancelled jumping the confinement to go to a friend's house, and I feel bad. Now, I feel much more confined. Awful. Plus, they've also taken away my escape of going to the river to look at the water, cry, or whatever. It's been my salvation four years ago, when I had another breakdown, when my childhood trauma came out. And now, what? I can no longer do that. Yet another deprivation. And my anxiety level goes up.

At least until 10 May, a relaxation of the conditions of confinement for the over-14s is unlikely. Shit!