Emotional confusion? Sexual harassment?

Yesterday at midday I took a walk along the Alameda. I went out with my headphones on, listening to music. When I got to the Alameda, a man with a bicycle spoke to me, and he accompanied me for a while until I told him I wanted to be alone. I continued my walk, and encountered the same man again and he asked me to talk. I thought 'why not?', and we sat down on a bench in the Alameda. We talked a bit, and he told me that he is a physiotherapist and lives in a village 10km from Seville. I told him I live in Seville, and we talked some more. He told me that I had a lot of muscles, and I told him that I am taking estrogens. He asked me if we could be friends, and I answered that we don't know each other, and that this needs time. He asked me if I have a partner, and I said no, and that I am not looking for a partner either. He said he doesn't have a partner either.

We got up and started to walk around a bit, him with the bike at hand. He said that I was handsome (he couldn't decide what gender to use), and asked me if he was handsome. I answered that I don't think in these terms, that I need to know a person. Actually he walked too fast to talk, we arrived at a place near the market of the Feria that was quieter and shaded, and we sat down. He started massaging my twin muscle, and as he told me before about the physiotherapist I thought again 'why not?' He went up to the thigh muscle, and my alarms went off. I wore a light dress, and he came up to my slip, but nothing happened, he didn't do anything wrong.

He offered to massage my shoulder, and as it's almost always tense I nodded. It was really nice. Until he tried to kiss me on the back of my neck. I got up and said no, this is too fast. I said I have to go, and he asked me for a hug, and I didn't see a problem. I gave him a normal hug, and then he tried to hug me head-on, to get me to notice his erection (I don't know, really). I freed myself, and I left, very moved. Before that I thought maybe I could ask him for his mobile phone, if he really wants to get to know me, but after that I didn't. I left, and he left.

I came home very moved. I tried to understand what happened, to feel what I was feeling, and it wasn't easy. I felt pain. I felt tension. Pain from the invasion of my intimate space. But at the same time I liked that someone desired my body. It hasn't happened to me in years. I didn't cry. I relaxed enough to warm up a lunch, and then I tried to relax more. I wrote something in my diary about the event, still very confused. I thought about going back to the Alameda to find him and confront him, but I didn't.

I went up to my bed to rest a bit, but I also felt desire. I masturbated, thinking not so much of him, but rather of a similar but more consensual situation. But I also felt ashamed to masturbate thinking about this event.

I got up and listened to music for a while. I also managed to read for a while (Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker: How to understand your gender. A practical guide for exploring who you are). I didn't stop thinking about what happened.

Later, at 8:00 pm, I took another walk along the Alameda, but it wasn't to look for him. Rather perhaps to find some familiar person. I didn't meet anyone, nor did I find a table to sit at, and I went home. I had dinner, and I listened to more music, and then I went to bed. But I couldn't sleep. A lot of emotions came over me again. I didn't cry, but I got up and sat down a little in our living room, so that at least my crying wouldn't wake up my flatmates. But I didn't cry. I felt pain and a lot of confusion. Also anxiety. I went back to my bed, but I didn't sleep well all night.

I woke up early, with a very tense back, and very tired. I tried to sleep more, but without success. I felt anxiety, a lot of anxiety in my chest. Shame too. I asked myself, was this sexual harassment? What could I have done differently? But I also thought about my sexual desire, awakened because of what happened (although I don't desire him). When he touched me, I didn't feel any desire. I masturbated again.

I got up and ate breakfast. And I started writing this text. I still feel very moved.