Let's talk about childhood sexual abuse

Since my last blog post about sexual abuse 9 days ago, I have been having a permanent internal dialogue, which in one way is not moving forward, or at least not very much. It is a dialogue between a part of me that does know, that does want to come to terms with the sexual abuse in my childhood in order to move forward, and another part of me that resists a resounding yes to the question of sexual abuse, that wants to continue to protect me, as it has done for decades.

Sexual abuse? - Emotional and mental chaos!

Since my episode of feeling suicidal at the beginning of the year I am getting to the point of assuming a resounding "yes" as an answer to the question of sexual abuse in my childhood.

I don't want to take it anymore! (Let's talk about suicide)

Yesterday I started the day with a brutal downturn. Already the day before - on 31 December - I had a very hard emotional flashback in the afternoon, and it took me a long time to get out of this flashback, going out and relapsing several times. And I'm not even sure if I really got out of this flashback that day. At night again I felt very down, I had a lot of fear in my stomach, and I had a hard time sleeping (and I didn't sleep well or much).

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Trauma and fear

In the last few weeks I have often felt a lot of fear. Fear in my stomach. In the worst case as such a big knot in my stomach that it almost caused me pain, in other cases more like a contraction of the stomach.

Fear is the most difficult thing to manage, at least for me. I have had these purely emotional flashbacks without realising it, and the difficult thing is to realise that the fear I feel in this situation corresponds to a flashback, and not to the present.

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Who is Angélique? And does it really matter?

This is not the text I thought yesterday I would write today. It has nothing to do with what I was going through yesterday, when I connected with my despair with the world, my depression, but also with the trauma of my adolescence. But everything changed overnight.

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