My inner child and me

Bullying in my childhood

Trigger warning:
This text contains images and descriptions of sexual harassment and bullying, among others.

In the last few days I have started to pull one more thing out of the pandora's box of my trauma: the bullying in my childhood. I was aware of bullying, especially in my teenage years, but what is coming up now is something new, and it is unsettling and destabilising. Intrusive images are coming back, this time of bullying.

A trans* childhood and adolescence that didn't happen (or did it?)

I have started reading Noemí Parra's book, Historias de afectos. Acompañar la adolescencia trans* (Stories of affection. Accompanying trans* adolescence). Already reading the prologue by Lucas Platero I had to cry. A month ago, when I went to the presentation of the book at La Carbonería in Sevilla, I was also very moved when Noemí Parra spoke about trans adolescence, and a friend who was by my side helped me to stabilise myself in this moment.

The first paintings of my inner child

Trigger warning:
This text contains images and descriptions of sexual abuse, violence, thoughts of suicide, among others.

About three weeks ago I told my psychologist that whenever I connect with my inner child I always feel something in my stomach that I am not able to identify. She suggested "why don't you let your child paint?" Easy to say, but at first I found it very difficult. Although I have done a lot of work with my inner child since the end of February, as I wrote a month ago, until then all my work with my inner child had in a way been done in my imagination. Now, how can this child, who exists in my imagination, actually paint in the real world? I understood clearly that it was not about imagining paintings, but about painting for real, through me.

Sexual abuse and healing my inner child

Deviant Daeva writes in an article on complex PTSD and Healing your Inner Child: “Victims of complex trauma have often gone through long-term abuse, neglect and abandonment during childhood. That has left them with an extremely hurt and wounded inner child that has never felt the safety to just be a child, that has never felt the love and care they needed, that has never learnt about boundaries or self-protection.” How true.

Who is Angélique? And what does she have to do with my gender identity?

Angélique comes to my mind again, and this time in the context of my gender identity since childhood, which is the issue that has been agitating me all week. But, in reality I have almost no memories of Angélique. On 23 December last year I wrote about Angélique:

My gender identity since childhood

For the past few weeks I have been reflecting more on the development of my gender identity since childhood. Seven weeks ago I wrote about my questions regarding the gender identity of my inner child, and a few days later about reconsidering the development of my gender identity since my childhood.

Sexual abuse and healing

A little over three weeks ago I wrote about coping (badly) with sexual abuse, and although I felt I was coping badly, at the same time it was the end of my permanent internal dialogue about sexual abuse in my childhood. I wrote:

Sexual abuse - and beginning to heal

A fortnight ago I started to accept the sexual abuse in my childhood as a reality. I wrote a fortnight ago about my difficulties in dealing with this reality - the sexual abuse. And, the reality is that I am still in a lot of pain, and more and more anger, more and more rage. But, my permanent internal dialogue is definitely over.

My inner child and sexual abuse

My "encounters" or "conversations" with my inner child have not yet been able to put an end to my ongoing internal dialogue on the subject of sexual abuse. Have I really assumed a resounding 'yes' to childhood sexual abuse? Almost two months ago I wrote:

Reevaluating my gender identity since early childhood

Genderqueer participants disclose a poignant theme of not having the language to express their experience of gender until late into adolescence or early adulthood. This experience is also repeatedly described as a feeling of something being 'wrong.'

Liam P. Malone: Gender identity and childhood experiences: an introductory quantitative study of the relationship between gender identity and adverse childhood experiences

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