Untitled (Coronavirus and Trauma 3)

Three weeks of confinement, and today they have announced another extension - until 26 April. Although it was to be expected and I'm not surprised, it did touch me. Moreover, they now say that the "situation of exceptionality will be extended "for a while longer" after that date". This is not surprising either. But it sucks.

Today I fell back into my old trauma, and I feel terrible. I've managed to function a little longer than a week, dissociating myself from my emotions. It wasn't a conscious decision - at one point this other old mechanism of mine was simply activated. It allowed me to function. It has allowed me to concentrate on other things. It has allowed me to return to my work, and to militancy. At the cost of not feeling. Of avoiding feeling. I have not been able to manage my emotions; the pain, the sadness, the anxiety of my adolescence. I felt trapped in my old trauma, and not feeling has allowed me to get out of it - temporarily.

But it doesn't work anymore. My emotions were still there, just below the surface, and now they're back. Maybe it's the announcement of the extension of the State of Alert. Maybe it's the weekend, not keeping me busy and having time to reflect, to feel. A few days ago I realized that I was "better" because of this mechanism of dissociation, the disconnection of my emotions. And I was aware that this comes with a price. I was hoping that the emotions would return when I have access to the emotional support I need to manage them. But no, they're back now. And I feel terrible. I feel without the ability to endure this pain, this sadness, this anxiety. The desire to get out on the streets and challenge the police is back. The desire to cry, and I feel blocked. The desire to sit by the river and cry.

Today, at 8:00 p.m., when the applause for the health workers started, I got angry. I felt like opening the window and shouting "Shut up!" "Fuck it!" I didn't. And it's not that I think the health workers don't deserve the applause. It's not that. But every day with the applause comes the memory of the situation, and with this I feel caught up in my old trauma again. I feel helpless, powerless.

Today I also met a friend in the queue at the vegan store. We coordinated to meet. The little tricks to have a social life. It was good to chat. But at the same time weird. We didn't hug. We kept our distance. Shit. I need a hug! Not being able to hug anyone also brings me back to my old trauma, when the only person who wanted to hug me was the person I couldn't tolerate any physical contact from - my mother. Sometimes I had to defend myself almost violently from her "affection". But now I need affection. I need hugs. My body is screaming "I want a hug"! And it can't be. Oh, shit! And I feel trapped again in my past, in this world without affection of my adolescence, I feel very alone.

And I'm sick of feeling like this. I want to get out of my old trauma. I also feel without emotional support, because of "a major force" (at least the old pattern of feeling abandoned in this situation has not been activated). Therapy by phone? It's not the same, and it's not enough. Calls with friends are important, but not enough either. I know my friends are supportive - but it doesn't get to me. And I'm left without the emotional support I need so badly right now. Shit!

In a way, I'd rather not feel at all right now. I'd rather disconnect from my emotions until the end of the confinement, until I can once again hug my friends, receive hugs and affection. Although the pain will come back with more force, I will have the support I need, which I don't have now.

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