Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Trigger warning:

In this part I publish texts about my own process of dealing with my complex trauma or complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and other related topics. These are texts that I wrote at the time, and writing these texts was almost always a therapeutic process as well.

It all started in the summer of 2016, when my childhood trauma made it impossible for me to continue "functioning", and the question of whether or not I was sexually abused in my childhood was dominant, an obsession. With this began my search, for the child that was me, to reconnect with the pain and fear of my childhood. It was the beginning of a rather painful process of dealing with complex PTSD. And I am still in the process of figuring out how to deal with the issue of childhood sexual abuse, but I am ever more clear that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

The confinement during the health crisis caused by COVID-19 in the spring of 2020 caused a prolonged flashback, and I especially flashed back to my adolescence, to the feeling of impotence, of not being able to escape from a painful situation. But I also flashed back to other aspects of my early childhood: texts like Falling? or The House of My Fears are results of this process. Thankfully, this prompted me to get more to the ground of my complex trauma, and allowed me to make huge steps towards recovery.

I now understand my trauma as a complex trauma, and putting a name to it helps me to understand what is actually going on. I am now on a long journey of recovery.

The process is not over, and I keep adding new texts when I feel like it.

Rage! (and insomnia)

Rage!
What do I do with my rage at one o'clock at night?
I imagine going to my father's house. I guess he still lives in the house. I really don't know. I don't even know if he's still alive. I hope not. Although I'd like to know so I can celebrate.
Rage!
I imagine going to his house in Germany, I imagine knocking on the door, and when he opens it, pushing him inside, hitting him. Punch him until he's unconscious.
I imagine taking a hammer and smashing the windows of every window in the fucking house.

Coping (badly) with childhood sexual abuse

Sexual abuse? Sexual abuse! Fuck! I feel abused, violated. I feel disgust, fear, pain and anger. I feel... I don't know what. I feel that I inhabit a body used by others - by my father, my brother. I feel their invasion into my body, this body of a seven, eight, nine year old kid, but I also feel my "cooperation", my "participation" in my own abuse. I sucked the cock. An active act. With disgust, yes, with fear, yes, but I sucked it.

PERMANENT INTERNAL DIALOGUE

Images
Shitty images
Me, as a child
Seven years old? Eight? Nine?
Me, as a child
Looking at an erect cock
Looking at it
With fear
And I cry
I cry, cry, cry

Images
Shitty images
Intrusive images
But what do they tell me?
Are they real images? Fantasies?
Are they telling me something from my past, from my childhood?
Sexual abuse?
It is my permanent internal dialogue

Rage - and killing my mother and father slowly

I don't want to see the world that way anymore
I don't want to feel that weak and insecure
As if you were my fucking pimp
As if I was your fucking whore

Black me out
I want to piss on the walls of your house
I want to chop those brass rings off
Your fat fucking fingers
As if you were a king-maker
As if, as if, as if
Black me out

Against Me!: Black Me Out

 

My inner child and sexual abuse

My "encounters" or "conversations" with my inner child have not yet been able to put an end to my ongoing internal dialogue on the subject of sexual abuse. Have I really assumed a resounding 'yes' to childhood sexual abuse? Almost two months ago I wrote:

Reevaluating my gender identity since early childhood

Genderqueer participants disclose a poignant theme of not having the language to express their experience of gender until late into adolescence or early adulthood. This experience is also repeatedly described as a feeling of something being 'wrong.'

Liam P. Malone: Gender identity and childhood experiences: an introductory quantitative study of the relationship between gender identity and adverse childhood experiences

My inner child and their gender identity

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that there is an issue (or trauma?) regarding the gender identity or expression of my inner child. Five days ago I wrote:

My inner child and me (VI)

Because of my experience on the 8th March and the re-traumatisation, I had little strength to connect with my inner child on the night of the 8th March, and also on the morning of the 9th March. I was quite miserable and disturbed all day on the 9th of March, with frequent intrusive thoughts.

8M and care (or lack thereof)

I took part in some activities for 8th March in Sevilla with friends and our collective Disidencias del Sur and our banner "We too are feminism: trans, queers, nonbinaries". I started with lunch in the Alameda de Hércules. There was a good atmosphere when I arrived, with music and people dancing.

My inner child and me (V)

I continue with my visualisations or meetings with my inner child on a daily basis. It is important to me to maintain regular contact, so that they don't feel abandoned again.

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