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Depression and childhood trauma

Trigger warning:

  • Sexual abuse
  • Child abuse
  • Sexual violence
  • Swearing

In this part I publish texts about my own process of managing the trauma of my childhood and adolescence, and other related topics. These are texts that I wrote at the time, and writing these texts was almost always a therapeutic process as well.

It all started in the summer of 2016, when my childhood trauma resurfaced, and the question of whether or not I was sexually abused in my childhood was dominant, an obsession. With this began my search, for the child that was me, to reconnect with the pain and fear of my childhood. It was the beginning of a rather painful process, which is not over yet. Other issues arose as well.

The confinement during the health crisis caused by COVID-19 in the spring of 2020 caused a retraumatization, and especially the trauma of my adolescence surfaced, but I also reconsidered issues from my childhood: texts like Falling? or The House of My Fears are results of this process.

I now understand my trauma as a complex trauma, and putting a name to it helps me to understand what is actually going on. I am now on a long journey of recovery.

The process is not over, and I keep adding new texts when I feel like it.

The dictatorship of the normal

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

Philip Larkin

 

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Complex PTSD II

Note: This text too was written first in English and then translated into Spanish and (maybe) German.

 

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The Trauma of Masculinity

While I'm slowly reading Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surving to Thriving: A Guide and Map to Recovery from Childhood Trauma, I have another book to "relax", as Pete Walker's book moves me a lot sometimes, and I have to stop.

Recovery I

I have felt somewhat better since a few days, despite my experience on Sunday. However, sometimes a lot of emotions come up. I've started reading Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma, and there are a lot of times when I have to put the book down because it's too much to cope with.

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Emotional confusion? Sexual harassment?

Yesterday at midday I took a walk along the Alameda. I went out with my headphones on, listening to music. When I got to the Alameda, a man with a bicycle spoke to me, and he accompanied me for a while until I told him I wanted to be alone. I continued my walk, and encountered the same man again and he asked me to talk. I thought 'why not?', and we sat down on a bench in the Alameda. We talked a bit, and he told me that he is a physiotherapist and lives in a village 10km from Seville. I told him I live in Seville, and we talked some more.

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The horror of the face masks

Every time, when I see news about making the use of face masks mandatory in more and more spaces, I panic, and I get anxious. I instinctively feel that wearing a mask whenever I want to go out would be a trigger for my own traumatic reactions. But I didn't understand why.

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Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

It always helps me to put a name on things, what I'm going through, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder is the name that fits best, although I don't recognise myself in everything either.

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Flashbacks

In the last few weeks I've been experiencing two kinds of flashbacks. Some flashbacks I have when I think about certain things from my adolescence, like two nights ago. And another type of flashback, more painful, that comes to me without me being able to identify a trigger, and that is not linked to memories - purely emotional flashbacks, as I experienced last Saturday. To some extent I'm living in an emotional flashback since the beginning of the confinement.

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The love that could not be

Another bad night, after a brief respite the night before. This time I wasn't able to find sleep until at least 5:00 in the morning. It was a struggle not to fall completely, and in the end I had to cry, cry for a love, my first love, that could not be.

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A break

Tonight for the first time in weeks I slept well, and I didn't wake up at 4:00 in the morning or even earlier. I am enjoying a day with little anxiety and little tension in my body - at least so far.

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by Dr. Radut